Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president'soffice.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?""Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.""Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

Q & A

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

9. Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

10. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

11. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Top 7 Idiots of 2006

The very last sentence is frightening and just might
explain why the world is in the mess it is.


Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
Toxicology at the poison control center. Today,
This woman called in very upset because she
Caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and
There would be no need to bring her daughter into
The hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her
Daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
Ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
Into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
Airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the
747s. They were successful in getting it out of the
Plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float
On the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
Coming towards them. It turned out that the
Chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
Might run.

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Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
Muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to
Give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
Someone had seen him write the note and might
Call police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
Street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
Note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
Surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
Brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
Not accept his stickup note because it was written
On a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
Either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
Go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was
Arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
Line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
Couldn't read it anyway.
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Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
Speed trap that measured his speed using radar
And photographed his car. He later received in the
Mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
Of payment, he sent the police department a
Photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
A letter from the police that cont ained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
Mailed in his $40.

Smartass... but you still get a sign

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Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a
Shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the
Cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in
a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
Wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
Cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
Refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are
Over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still
Refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
Him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
License out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
Was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the
bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
Loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
Gave the name and address of the robber that she
Got off the license. They arrested the robber two
Hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

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Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
Nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
Startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
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Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty
Badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
Block through a liquor store window, grab some
Booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
Heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
Block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
Videotape.

Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are
Allowed to vote)

The ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Christmas Carols

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

My Kind of Woman

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him.

They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your
life?"

The wife put down her drink and said,

"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down . . . "

My kinda woman.